This is the monster timeline

 Week 0: Broken Ankle

I broke my ankle as I was stepping out of a car and my foot got caught next to the curb. I lost my balance and fell. This was 2 weeks after moving to a new city. After the fall I ripped my boot off immediately, trembling with the shock of the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my 29 years on this planet. I got right back into the back seat and tried to elevate, feeling as if every bone in my foot had popped out of place and was now swimming loosely inside my skin. In the ER they gave me ice, an x-ray, and a big shitty splint replete with paper pants (they cut my jeans off of me)…oh, and crutches. The ER doc told me I probably wouldn’t need surgery. I was sent home and told to take Tylenol, and they made me an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon for the following week so my swelling could go down. I basically remember nothing more from this day — except that I really wanted strawberries.

Week 1: Orthopedic Surgeon #1

My fall was on a Thursday, and I saw an Orthopedic Surgeon #1 the following Monday. I crutched into a back room where a woman removed my splint, and saved it on the back counter for later (they do that? It struck me as peculiar). There’s no way I’ll need surgery, I thought to myself. The ER doctor said it was a fracture in my fibula and there was no displacement. The ortho doc eventually came in after having a look at my x-rays. “Well, you definitely need surgery” he said dryly. A little too dryly for my taste.

He listed the risks of not getting the surgery and scared me a lot . Then he talked about a big nerve they’d be operating around that controlled my outer foot and that “we know where it is and we’ll do our best to avoid it.” He asked if I had any questions and I did not. I had no thoughts. Oh wait I had one thought: OMG, I’m on Grey’s Anatomy.

We scheduled surgery for 3 days later, a Thursday. The assistant then took my old splint, wrapped it back around my leg, and proceeded to affix it back together with ace bandages. MOST PAINFUL. The days with that pieced together disaster of a splint were the worst of all — no circulation in my leg or foot and it caused major swelling and bruising. I wasn’t thrilled with this doctor or his team.

Still Week 1: Orthopedic Surgeon #2

Left with an icky, unsettled feeling about Surgeon #1, I got a second opinion a few days later. Orthopedic Surgeon #2 took off my oppressive fascist splint and had me do a CT scan which showed that the fracture was way more complicated than the x-ray had shown (thanks for nothing other doctor for not doing that, wtf). #2 knew more, shared more, and I dropped #1 like a bad habit — luckily these new folks fit me in for my original surgery date — the next day. My first surgery ever.

Still week 1! Surgery

Up until this point I’d never had surgery — never stayed in a hospital. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d been in a hospital. I had to be there at 7am on an empty stomach since midnight the night before. They gave me a backless gown, checked my blood pressure, weighed me (when did I lose 10 lbs?? whatever, not complaining), and asked me millions of questions. In between each phase of tests and questions, I watched the Today Show — I mean, I looked at it blankly, petrified…too many thoughts running through my overly tired mind. I felt very down, outrageously sorry for myself, and couldn’t stop thinking about Grey’s Anatomy.

The nurse came by with a cocktail of pills — she explained each one, but I immediately couldn’t remember what any of them were, except for an anti-acid for somethingIcan’tremember. Then she asked if I was in pain…UM YES I’M IN PAIN I HAVE LIKE 3 FRACTURES IN MY ANKLE AND THE E.R. GUY SAID IT WAS ONLY ONE AND GOT MY HOPES UP AND NOW I’M ABOUT TO HAVE SURGERY AND YES I’M IN PAIN. She hooked an IV up into my hand, it stung. At that point only J had been allowed in the room with me because it was such a small space. Once the IV was in they let my dad in — when I saw him I began to cry. “Daddyyy,” I whimpered like an injured puppy.

The nurse said the anesthesiologist said she could give me some morphine. Though I relished in the idea of not being in pain, drugs scared me. She squeezed it into my IV and I gasped with a fierce tightness in my chest. I was dying before I even got to surgery, I feared suddenly. Could morphine cause a heart attack? The nurse sat my bed more upright and the tightness subsided. Ugh. Eventually the anesthesiologist came in, asked me a whole bunch of questions, and he prepared me for how I’d feel after. My throat might be sore if they have to stick a tube down it to help me breathe (which yes, it did end up being). The leg-numbing shot they give me after surgery will wear off in 8–12 hours and then I’ll be switched to oral and IV drugs. The numbing shot they give me could paralyze me. Standard stuff, you know.

Eventually they wheeled me off — I kissed my dad, kissed J — I was frozen with fear. What if I don’t wake up? What if I wake up but have no use of my foot because the nerves are fried? “Are you scared?” the anesthesiologist asked me. “Yes, very.” I responded, my voice quivering. “Well if it helps, I’m not at all.” That helped, and it’s the last thing I remember.

Same Day Post-Op

After surgery, they take patients to a "wake-up room" where each nurse is assigned to one patient until that patient wakes up. That's the nurse's only duty. I remember waking up and seeing a man-blur over me asking if I wanted some ice chips. "Yes." I replied for no reason.

I could only open one eye for what felt like hours. I was exhausted, it was bright, voices were booming, I fell in and out of sleep.

Peeing: I was so parched that I was drinking (and consequently peeing) constantly, but the meds made it so I could only let out a little bit of pee at a time. The first time I peed I used a bedpan and obviously couldn't hang, because it dripped everywhere, and when I went to get my post-op x-ray they had to change my sheets. Gross. (I remember asking the nurses who took me to get my x-ray if they watched Grey's Anatomy. They didn't). From that point forward I peed in a portable bucket-toilet with handrails that they brought right next to the bed and helped me get on and off of one-legged (nurses, godblessem). Since I couldn't fully empty my bladder — a side effect from the anesthesia and the other drugs — I was going like once every half hour.

Pooing: Ha! Yeah right. That wouldn't happen for daaaaays.

Pain: My leg-numbing shot wore off at about 2am, at which point I was pumped full of Oxycodone (a crazy strong oral drug) and more morphine (ugh). Eventually the pain was controlled with the help of my primary night nurse who rocked.

Drugs, food, and crutching: The Oxy made it impossible to stay awake, impossible to balance (which sucked on crutches), and impossible to eat. Toward the end of my stay, a LOUD-TALKING physical therapist came by to make sure I could get up and down stairs on the crutches. I was eventually sent home that evening (a day and a half after the surgery) with prescriptions for Oxycodone and a stool softener. I was also told to take one Aspirin per day to prevent blood clots, and Tylenol to go with the Oxy (apparently you're not supposed to take anti-inflammatories like Ibuprofen after surgery because it slows the healing process). I still craved strawberries.

Weeks 1-2 Post-Op

The two weeks following surgery were the worst. Week #1 I was told to elevate my big shitty splint 23 hours a day, which basically meant I could only get up to go to the bathroom (pee, that is, there was still no poo) or bathe. Week #2 the rules were less stringent, but I was too weak to crutch around or do anything, so it basically resembled week #1.

Bathing: J would secure a trash bag over my leg with a rubber band at the knee. He had to put it on and take it off for me because I no longer had flexibility in that leg. He also had to put on and take off my underwear and pants FYI. Anyway, I'd get in the tub with one leg up (I had to face backward, with my head at the faucet, so I had surface big enough to rest by cast). I supported myself with one hand on the bottom of the tub, hold the lufa with the other, J would squirt it with Dr. Bronners and I'd suds up.

Drugs: As the side effects literature warns, I had vivid nightmares, not just at night, but the second I closed my eyes — which was often. I was afraid to sleep, I was too tired to stay awake. Each day blended with each night. Sometimes my dreams scared me so much that I made J hold my hand as I dozed off, just to ground me in some kind of familiarity. Also the Oxy made my body spasm like 12 times as I fell asleep — sometimes a whole-body twitch, sometimes localized — SOMETIMES in my sad ouchy ankle, which quite frankly killed. 2 weeks post-op I was switched from Oxycodone to its weaker — but still quite sassy — little sister, Hydrocodone. The dosage was lighter and I was pleased.

Food: Overall, food was not part of this whole thing — everything nauseated me. When you join the club, you’ll get my tips for great stuff to eat when you don’t feel like eating.

Sleep: I slept on my back with my leg propped up every night. I fantasized about turning onto my side. Also J was scared that he'd move in the night and pull the covers over my leg in a painful way, so I slept on top of the covers under my own blanket. I set several alarms every night for meds, and kept gluten-free crackers on my nightstand so I wouldn't medicate on an empty stomach. I woke up every morning with soggy crackers stuck in my molars — beginning another blurry day that would soon become night.

 2-4 Weeks Post-Op

Follow-up appointment: I had my 2-week follow-up appointment two days early because I was scared that I had blood clots in my leg. I got tested for blood clots and didn't have them.

Stitches out & incision-holders on: Instead of removing my non-existent blood clots, they removed my cast and took my stitches out. Then they stuck on little incision holders, gave me a walking boot (which ironically wasn’t for walking on), and sent me on my way.

Depression: You'd think that having my leg out of the splint would have made me feel happy, but being able to see my ankle and foot — swollen, discolored, and completely unable to move — made me really, really sad. I couldn't move my ankle, I could hardly wiggle my toes, I felt sorry for myself...and I still slept on my back.

Showers!: But by week 3 post-op I took off the white sticky incision holders and was allowed to start taking showers! A shower chair was key.

Side sleeping!: Within a few days of showering, I experimented with sleeping on my side — using pillows to prop my feet and legs up in various places. Though I continued to wake up several times a night, I was able to do it. And it was orgasmic.

4-8 Weeks Post-Op 

4-week checkup: I left my 4-week post-op checkup feeling GREAT. My new x-rays showed that my bones were healing well, and doc said it was time for physical therapy — YAY! He also said I could start stretching and moving my ankle around myself — YAY! (and ouch).

Scooter: Since I still had about 4 weeks left of non-weight bearing, I decided to go ahead and hit up the medical supply store (seriously, I had no idea those things existed) to rent a scooter.  I had been avoiding doing it from day one, but I guess at that point it hit me how immobile I really was and I decided to go for it.

Optimism: I felt a sense of optimism for the first time. I heated up my own soup on the scooter, which was a big step (even though J had to carry the bowl for me). The doctor even said I could try some exercise on a stationary bike, swimming, or some Pilates reformer exercises on low resistance. I still had to crutch around — up and down steps, in certain narrow spaces in the house, etc. — but in the larger scheme of things this scooter really helped out.

Weird circulation: Blood flow to your foot is weird when you’re non-weight bearing — and that’s normal. Flow seemed fine when my foot was elevated, but as soon as I put it down and moved around, all of the blood rushed to it and it turned purple. It felt like it was going to explode. (Don’t worry, it resolves itself once you start weight-bearing — in my videos, I talk with Dr. Gellman, Orthopedic Surgeon, about this for a whiiiiile).

Physical therapy: I started physical therapy around 5 weeks post-op. I loved it because, for the first time in a while, I could actually DO something. We usually began with some massage, then range of motion stretches and exercises. (Weight-bearing can’t happen until your range of motion is wide enough. But of course, once you start weight-bearing, you continue to gain more). Then we headed to the gym where I’d “work out” on the recumbent bike – beginning at six minutes the first session and working my way up. At the end of the session, we’d ice with this weird ice boot (which felt AMAZING).

Physical therapy stirred up a lot for me — physically and mentally. The massaging and icing felt great, while the stretches and exercises were excruciating. Everything was unnatural, and watching my ankle (not) move was depressing. I’d sweat the same amount during six minutes on the recumbent bike as I used to during one hour of high-intensity spinning. I felt hyper-aware of the hardware inside my body (did the doc pour cement in there too????! WTF). I tried my best to find a quiet mind, breathing, and trusting my body to heal — but IT WAS HARD. 

Yoga: It was also during this time that I started experimenting with non-weight-bearing yoga, you can the videos on my YouTube channel.

Boredom: I was bored AF. You can only watch movies/TV shows, read, blog, stare off into space, do yoga, and catch up on social media trash for so long. I didn’t like to shower when I was home alone, and I had no desire to venture outside on crutches — which really sucked because it was so beautiful out. And I couldn’t take the scooter out alone because my building had steps.

Real clothes: At 6-weeks post-op I’m put on real, non-yoga clothes for the first time. Importantly, I wore skinny jeans, which meant I was able to point my foot enough to get them on. Getting them off was admittedly not as easy.

Calf atrophy: It was super real at 6 weeks post-op. Sad and weak and wimpy. It definitely didn’t start improving until weeks after weight-bearing.

The screw: My swelling had started going down enough that I could see and feel the screw sticking out of my ankle bone. What did it feel like to touch? Well, it legit felt like the head of a screw. What did it feel like when I tried to point and flex my foot? IT FELT LIKE A SCREW WAS IN THERE GRINDING AWAY ON MY SKIN AND BONES. Every time I flexed my foot it felt like the nail was about to burst through my skin and start ricocheting off the walls like in a cartoon. 

Progress: Here was something I was able to measure for 4-8 weeks post-op: the first major PT goal was to be able to flex my foot back to 90 degrees — meaning my toes were vertically aligned with my heel, forming a 90 degree angle with my shin. To achieve this, we focused on stretching, massaging, and range of motion exercises. In three weeks, flexing as far back as I could, I went from -15 degrees, to -5 degrees, to 0 (aka neutral, or 90 degrees). This was a good thing, and is necessary to start weight-bearing. PROGRESS.

At the same time, my ankle felt LOCKED. And it was mostly pretty hard to gauge the progress. Sure I was better on the crutches, I wasn’t not bath-bound, I didn’t constantly feel like crap, and I could do a bit of yoga — though it looked and felt nothing like actual yoga. I was still in bed most of the day, I was still taking showers on a chair (yes, the backs of my thighs were completely unshavable), I still wasn’t really socializing, and I still couldn’t really sleep on my right side. All of these things made it really difficult to get much of joy from five degrees of range of motion. 

So I mustered up a little fake joy when I could, hoping at some point it will turn into real joy — like how fake laughter can become real if you exaggerate it enough. I was constantly fighting my own brain, trying to push away the negative thoughts, trying to stop myself from attempting to define or understand progress.

8-12 Weeks Post-Op

First steps: 8 weeks (minus 2 days) post-op. With my very first step I began sweating profusely. It was hard to totally let go and fully step down, and I found myself still holding some weight up with my arms (which I suppose is the point of walking with the crutches, to have that option). But each time I practiced, it got just a little easier to let a bit more weight go. To practice, I mostly used my living room, and just walked back and forth, back and forth. When I felt a little bit more courageous, I ventured out into the carpeted hallways of my apartment building, and walked back and forth, back and forth. I talk quite a bit about weight-bearing and answer most common questions here.

Walking in 2 sneakers: 10 weeks post-op. After about two weeks of weight bearing, during physical therapy, I put on, AND WALKED IN, my second sneaker. My ankle felt so weak and trembly outside of the boot, but happy and eager. But it was just for practice. For an actual method of walking at that point, I had gotten the ok to walk in the boot-only as much as possible — inside and outside — using one crutch only when going longer distances.

Plateau: At around 11/12 weeks post-op I was walking in 2 sneakers, but I felt I’d hit a very hard wall. I had made a lot of progress up until that point — the scooter was gone, the crutches were gone, the boot was gone. I took showers, I cooked and did dishes. I was basically functional. Basically. Then it was time for the next steps.

The problem was, the next steps were nowhere near as measurable as the first ones. In order to walk fluidly and exercise and do normal-people stuff, I had to gain strength, gain flexibility, agility; get all the stuff back I’d lost since the surgery. So I did my exercises every day (those from PT and my own yoga practice), sometimes they made me feel flexible and sometimes they made me feel sore and swollen.

Also, I was due to start a new job soon and had so many unanswered questions and fears. Would I be able to drive? Would I be able to walk from the parking lot to the building comfortably? How would I know when I could? What level of flexibility and strength and agility is NORMAL? WHAT IS NORMAL???? Was I making progress? WHAT DOES PROGRESS LOOK LIKE? And so on and so forth...

I was sick of thinking about it, I was sick of caring. I didn’t want to think how bendy is my ankle today? Will it hurt when I step out of bed or do I need to massage it first? Is my compression sock actually working? Is it bad I didn't ice today?

Also, I was in quite a bit of pain from the ankle screw. It was inhibiting me from stretching, getting more flexible, walking — and I didn’t know if the pain was just part of the process or if this sucker needed to be taken out.

12-week checkup: Seeing the doctor took me out of my funk. At this appointment I did my x-ray standing up so the doc could see how things looked after beginning to bear weight (my bones looked great, he said). We chatted about my issues and he said hardware removal was an option in another 6 months if I wanted it, and my range of motion was coming along and it was where it should be.

Pilates: Doc and I also decided that PT was no longer serving my needs, so I signed up for 1:1 sessions with a pilates instructor. Quitting physical therapy ended up being the best decision I could have made. Don't get me wrong, it was awesome at the beginning, but once I was up and walking, and feeling more experimental, I really needed a more robust program. I continued pilates for about 3 months.

 12-24 Weeks Post-Op

Driving and work: I started driving again (after a few parking lot practice sessions) at about 12 weeks, and started a new job. Each day I woke up about 15 minutes earlier than I needed to so I had time to stretch/massage my ankle. It was about a 20-60 minute commute to work, depending on traffic. When it was smooth sailing on the highway my ankle was totally fine, but it was the stop and go — the back and forth between the brake and the gas — that really got me. I basically had to pick up my whole foot each time, rather than just move my toes back and forth. My building was also huge so I had to walk a lot all day. The second I came home I’d kick my shoes off (carefully), strap on an ice pack and elevate. Then I’d usually do a little yoga to stretch out the day.

Massage: It was about this time that I started getting regular massages, and my oh my did that help. I had different complaints every week. For many weeks in a row, my heel was killing me. Then it was my Achilles. Suddenly it was my calf. Then the arch of my foot. And so on. The more strength I built and the more I challenged myself, the more different pains and weaknesses started bubbling to the surface. Getting a massage every week helped to work those kinks out. Also very important, AND VERY TERRIBLE FEELING: scar massage. Oh lord help us all. Learn more in my interview with Ashley.

Basically doing normal things: I noticed at about 16 weeks post-op that my life was pretty normal. I drove to work, drove home, was finding my social life again, and taking walks. J and I also traveled to San Francisco. I was a little nervous because my feet swell on planes a lot anyway, so I was apprehensive that mine would, I don’t know, explode? Also, it would be the first time going through airport security after my ankle was packed full o' metal. I pictured causing a scene at the checkpoint (the detector didn’t even go off).

I was also still doing Pilates and yoga, my ankle still felt so tight, my range of motion felt stuck and I couldn’t tell if it was getting any better — though looking back, it obviously was. I wanted that hardware out like YESTERDAY. I had begun doing ankle ice baths, which felt more effective than other ice options at that point.

Boots: At 18 weeks I took off my sneakers and wore boots for the first time. Boots with very specific criteria, but boots nonetheless. Liberating.

Spinning: At this point I was still doing yoga pretty much every day and Pilates once per week. Certain things were getting easier — I did my first successful "Warrior 2" at around 18/19 weeks post-op. A position that used to be so effortless was suddenly the new frontier. I believe I owe my progress to a lot of things — icing, walking, strengthening, Pilates, massage — but yoga was my main (and daily) go-to. It kept me sane, made me less sore, gave me a sense of movement when I still felt I had very few options. So I tried spinning, something I’d done regularly but years ago. It was fine, not amazing. I didn’t do it again.

 24-32 Weeks (6-8 Months) Post-Op

I remember when I was still bed-ridden and scouring the blogs and forums, many folks said that six months post-op is when they began to feel normal. And I think that's key — BEGAN. 

At this point, I still didn’t feel anywhere close to normal, but I didn’t feel TERRIBLE. Sure, I could walk here, walk there. I could go out to dinner, the theatre, sporting events, whatever. But I was keenly aware of my ankle every second of every day. Every second. Of every day. When I walked down steps, at my computer, when I got up to pee in the middle of the night, in meetings, in parking lots, in the shower, when I did yoga, when I didn’t do yoga, when I thought about yoga, when I made dinner, when I kissed with J and had to get on my tippy-toes, when I was grocery shopping and that big cumbersome cart made better sharp turns than I did…I'm telling you. ALL. THE. TIME.

Cold hardware: As the cold weather rolled in, I was very aware of how cold my hardware got. I began using the heating pad and hot water bottle to warm it up.

Yoga: At nearly 7 months post-op, I finally mustered up the guts to take my first yoga class. Though I’d been practicing on my own at home, I’d been too scared to go to an actual class...with people...and teachers...and actual flows. The courage to get to a class came from a combination of feeling ready, being really sick of my home practice, and feeling kind of stuck with where my body recovery was overall.

32-week checkup: At my 8-month appointment, my surgeon and I discussed hardware removal. Funny — I began this whole thing not being able to stand the thought of another surgery, but at this point I was like dear hardware, thank you for existing but ok get out now. We set the date for January 30th – about 39 weeks post-op. I was nervous. But I knew that stuff needed to come out. Unfortunately not all of the hardware would be coming out, which I was a little bummed about. One screw and one plate were still staying, since the plate in the back was a stabilizer. Dr. Gellman said that since it was right up against the bone I shouldn't ever feel it. I was inclined to believe him because he was awesome in every way.

39 Weeks Post-Op: Hardware Removal Surgery

Game day: My check in time was 7:45am, with a surgery time of about 9:45am. My dad and J took me to the hospital, I checked in, put my gown on and got and in bed. Shortly after the nurse came and took my weight, vitals, and health history.

The operation: They eventually rolled me to the OR. Last time I was unconscious by the time I got to the OR. This time I was a little loopy, but fully aware. I switched beds myself and breathed into that mask you see on TV. Before I was put under, I asked the staff in there if they watched Grey's Anatomy (apparently my favorite question for hospital staff?). One guy said he'd seen two episodes. The gal said she prefers House. And the other guy said he likes Scrubs because it's the most realistic. They all said I'd have no recollection of that conversation when I woke up from surgery. FALSE. 

Waking up: As if no time had passed, I was waking up in the wake-up room. My throat didn't feel sore at all like last time and I remember asking the nurse if they used the throat tube to help me breathe again. I have no idea how she responded. I also remember telling her that I'd really prefer Hydrocodone to Oxycodone — it made me way less sick last time. I don't remember her response to that either. She asked me what my pain level was, I said 4-5. She pumped some drugs into my veins and then it was like a 2-3.

Recovery: Eventually the nurse wheeled me into my recovery room. My dad asked me how I was feeling and I said: "I feel well," and smiled. And I did! The procedure itself was like 10-15 mins. I was under anesthesia way less time than the first one, and I could definitely feel the difference. I was groggy, but not INCAPACITATED like I was before. I was really cold so they gave me lots of blankets. I also had a feeling in my tummy that either felt really hungry or like I was going to puke. J bought me a gluten-free muffin from the cafe so I ate that. Then a new nurse found me some gluten-free bread and toasted it. I immediately felt better. My lips were really chapped but, unlike last time, I came prepared.

The wound: I didn't get regular stitches as they had planned — instead they gave me some self-absorbing/dissolving stitches. Then they wrapped it up with some gauze and an ace bandage. 

Home: I went home around 1pm, just a few short hours after the surgery. They wheeled me out to the car, I used crutches to get back into the house, plopped into bed to elevate and ice.

Walking: I started off walking with two crutches, but already bearing a little weight. My ankle was sore, but not terrible — like a headache in my foot — kind of tight, kind of sharp, kind of achy.

Drugs: This time I took Norco, which is a combination of Hydrocodone & Acetaminophen (Tylenol). I didn’t feel too terrible — the dosage was 1-2 pills every four hours and I took just one.  I took it a few times throughout the night, along with rice cakes to avoid nausea. 

Sleep: I slept with my leg elevated the first couple of nights, but everything was so much less sore than last time, and at that point I was a professional broken ankle position sleeper, so it came a lot easier the second time around.

Changing the dressing: I changed the dressing the next morning, it wasn’t too swollen or bruised. A little bit of dried blood on the gauze but nothing oozy or smelly. I put new gauze on.

And that was that!!! I had a massage the following day (two days post-op) and a follow-up with my doc the next week. Here’s the video I made 2 days after the removal surgery.

40 Weeks Post-Op &
(1 Week Hardware Removal Post-Op)

1-week checkup: At 6 days removal post-op, I had my follow-up. I told the doc that around my incision felt really tight, and he said scar tissue has a more difficult time recovering than regular tissue, and just to keep moving my ankle and massaging the area. But not too much, because the incision hadn’t healed yet. Then he took off my tape, cleaned it up, and put new tape on which I needed to keep on for another 5 days.

Showering: I was allowed to take regular showers already too! I'd been showering with a trash bag on my leg, and my leg basically up in the air because I didn’t have faith in the trash bag method.

Feeling the difference: By that point, I still couldn’t really feel a difference yet between my mechanical ankle and the new, less mechanical one — probably because I wasn’t moving it like a regular ankle yet and there was still some swelling. I was also off pain meds (I took them for only 3 days). I would go back to the doc in a few more weeks so he could take x-rays and make sure everything looked how it should. 

Depression: It’s weird. When you have hardware removal surgery on your ankle, there are a few things you hear over and over: "it's nothing like the last one" and "recovery for this one is really easy" and "you'll be fine." This is great, because it's an encouraging thought that recovery for surgery #2 won't be THE FLAMING HELL that surgery #1 was. But it's also not great, because it doesn't actually help you know what to expect going in, and afterward, it makes people forget really quickly that you're in surgery recovery mode.

Of course, I had a really supportive network of friends and family — I don’t blame anything on them. Hardware removal surgery is deceptive because you are up and walking the first day, you can move your foot (kinda), visually there is way less going on, and you've already done the physical therapy. So your loved ones will be tricked into thinking that everything's cool. But for me, inside, there was still a lot going on! My digestive system was still weird, I felt a little light-headed sometimes, my ankle hurt and was bruised and I had very little range of motion. Oh! And you have to walk EXTRA carefully because for 4-6 weeks there are holes in the bones where the screws were, and they can re-fracture.

In many ways, it was a lot like recovery from the first surgery. I used the same stack of pillows to elevate, the same ice packs with the same timing and wrapping rituals. I was back to not being able to do yoga, which SUCKED. I was nervous about going back to work (I took a week off). I had to be back in sneakers after I'd been back to real shoes for a few months and loving it. Ugh, that part was terrible.

The hardware removal, though it may be nothing like the first one, is still surgery — and for me it conjured up a lot of emotional stuff.

Yoga: I was back to yoga at about 5 weeks hardware removal post-op.

6-week checkup: It was finally time for my last checkup. First things first, I got my hardware back! It was cool and weird. I had no idea what to do with it – and now, more than 8 years later, it’s just sitting in a box somewhere. Then we looked at my x-rays. I realized as I was looking at the x-rays that the following month would mark one year from my first surgery. What a crazy year it had been — amazing how such a seemingly small thing could have such a gigantic impact.

Years and Years Post-Op

I broke my ankle in April of 2013 and I’m writing this update in April of 2021. A lot has happened in my life since then, and I’ve continued to update here, but one important constant has to do with the idea of returning to normalcy. My ankle isn’t “back to normal” and I don’t think it will ever be. My quality of life is great, and my ankle gets me to where I want to go, but it’s not the same. I wrote extensively about that here. This pesky break was indeed life-changing for me, as many things are along the way. And I’m so grateful to this community for keeping me engaged and feeling part of something.

Love you guys.